Days like to day offer nothing but the enigmatic view that God is God. My wife and I have been standing in faith and praying for her uncle’s healing from brain cancer. During the time of his struggling, he had a moment of clarity and told his wife that “Jesus said He is going to heal me.” Well that was a few weeks ago, and tonight he passed away.

And before we get into the revelation from today, let me clarify that death is not a form of healing. While people who are with God after death, no longer suffer, healing has to do with restoring health to our physical beings. Not once does the Bible refer to death as healing. Dying is a form of deliverance, but not healing. So please save those words of false comfort.

We stood in faith and prayed and believed for a healing and we were met with death. While her uncle was a believer and married a believer and had a dynamic relationship with God (when he was lucid), we also had doubtful family members that were around. Apparently the doubt won and all the promises of healing in the Bible (the promises “which are Yes and Amen”) go on being far off words from God. A God who seems to get more confusing the closer you get to him.

I guess I was naive to think that I could understand God through His word. It seems so simple sometimes. Ask and receive, seek and find, knock and open. Doesn’t seem that hard to do. However, in the end… after asking, seeking, and knocking… I am left with the knowledge that God is God, and there is nowhere else to go.

I continue to praise him because of who he is, but I still wait to see the great benefit to me.

Well, I have been thinking about my blog and it seems depressing. I wanted to clarify. I am generally an optimist, but lately life has sucked. I know in my hear that “this too shall pass” but in the midst of it I just don’t understand much.

I have a lot of questions, but I know that God is not afraid or stunned or caught off guard by my attitude, my questions, and my colorful language toward Him. I know that what is a sin for others is not necessarily a sin for me because we are all on our own paths with Him. All of our paths start and end with the murdered Jew from Nazareth, but beyond that we all have unique points in our life where we are made more like Him.

This process does suck and I am not going to sugarcoat it with scripture and words of inspiration that I don’t believe. What I will do is tell it the way it is, the best I can. Eventually the chats and quotes and such will get more cheery. Until then we all just have to deal with a little moodiness. (But let’s be real… I’m just saying what most of us think. That’s because I know I can’t hurt God’s feelings, o matter how the devil tries to make me feel guilty).

I have been striving to believe God. He has promise after promise about various issues in life and I have started to try to believe them literally. I realized something: Keeping the faith is hard and I don’t like it.

For those in “third-world countries” who only have faith, miracles happen. For those who have everything else in life, faith is far off. It would seem that in order to be spiritually full, one must be physically destitute; while if someone wants physical blessings, they will be spiritually lame. WHY?! Why can’t I have the promises of both spiritual blessings and physical blessings?

Tolkein and James both say that to be considered faithful one must be consistent in their beliefs. A double minded man is one who gets tossed around by the wind. While I do not want to be double-minded, what should I do when I wait and wait and wait and nothing seems to happen? Is it double-mindedness or is it realizing that something is not in God’s will?

So here we are. Day: Whatever…

This is obviously not a faithful chronology of events, but rather a documentation of my need for therapy. I must be crazy to continue on in some of the things I believe. I was thinking recently of God and how unsatisfied with Him I have been lately and I realized that I have been ruined by America. Now I love our country, but when I am unhappy with something there is always someone higher on the “food chain” to complain to. Where do I go to complain when I am unhappy with God?!

I have looked into other religions in the past and truly believe that the Bible is the truth in its complete form, infallible and such, but God knows it’s frustrating. When the book and its author piss me off, who can I turn Him into? Does He have a boss that I can inform of his unsatisfactory performance? It would appear that He doesn’t care what I think I know, because He thinks He knows more. The nerve of some people, right?

I know that in the end whatever He does, He does because He loves me, but like “Evan Almighty”, sometimes I wish He would love me less…

Check it out! Somebody else out there feels like God is ignoring us!

I’ve decided to explore faith with my spouse.  We wanted to figure out first what it means to be a person who has faith and then try to have it. Thankfully, I have a wife on the same page as me -just as desperate for more of something amazing out of life. In pursuit of release from our static prison, we’ve joined up with a church which makes fasting a part of their regular lives. (I told you I was willing to try anything.) So the pastor recommended this book and I’ve started it, “Fasting” by Jentezen Franklin. Pretty good book if it works. It makes claims that in order to be a person of faith where miracles happen (AND I WANT TO SEE A REAL MIRACLE) a person of faith needs to GIVE, PRAY, and FAST. Shows alot of examples of miracles happening to people who do these things.

I think I’ve been sitting for a long time. Sitting in a big, fat pile of poop. Instead of living an amazing supernatural life, I’ve been letting all of the crap (poop) of life circumstances fall all around me and weigh me down into a comfortable sitting position. But I’m not content -because who’s content to sit in a pile of poop their whole life? It stinks! There use to be supernatural things around us. People use to see with supernatural eyes. I know this because I believe that what the Bible says is true. I want to see -I want to stand up. I want miracles -supernatural things to happen all around me. I get thrilled with movies like X-Men and recently, Percy Jackson -people who discover supernatural abilities about themselves. I think humans have the ability to do supernatural things because Jesus said we could and I believe Him even if I haven’t seen anything.

So, I’m going to fast tomorrow. In other words I’m not going to eat any food but just drink water all day and pray when I’m hungry. I’m going to ask God for things that are impossible for me to have or do on my own. I’m going to ask Him for supernatural things -BEYOND HUMAN things.

So I’ve heard the Bible is full of “promises” that are basically good things that happen to people who do what the God of the Universe tells them to do in various places in the Bible.  Like most of America right now I am suffering the effects of the crappy economy. Stuck in a job that drains my sanity, with pay that’s nothing to smile about, a fat debt from an unused college degree, family to support and find time to spend with. I’ve decided to put the God of the Universe to the test. In the Bible’s Book of Matthew it says that if we even have the smallest belief that God will do things -He will. (This is my sum up of Ch 17:20-21) So here I am, documenting my attempts at believing God is still out there and does good things.